Nervous breakdown, burn out, or mid life crisis?

I seriously think I’m losing my mind.  This last year has been tough work wise.  The last few months have been tough personally. Which all leads me to wonder if I’m experiencing a nervous breakdown, burn out, or mid life crisis?  Perhaps all three.

Let me explain…(and this is the cliff notes version)

Work life– in the past year, I’ve had multiple projects wtih different VPs, all with different expectations and ways of doing things (this is after my boss of 14 years left).  Some of my projects went well, others did not.  All basically resulting in lower self confidence.  I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings, so I just continued on.

Personal life– the health of my 95 year old uncle goes downhill.  While we all know that reaching 95 signifies a fantastic life, his death in July – while a relief at first – hits me hard.  I was closer to him than some of my other family.  And his death devastates me.   But, again, I try and compartmentalize.

A week after my uncles death, I have a mid-year review (not overly positive), and then I find out I’m pregnant.  Great news, yes, but my “compartements” that I had created are now breaking down due to my hormonal upheaval.  I’m happy, but yet I cry everyday (ok, monday thru friday).  I lost my ability to cope with anything work related.  I’m so stressed out and I’m afraid, at 41 years of age, that it will affect this precious gift I have growing in me. Especially after seeing multiple friends go through miscarriages. So this stresses me out too.

Thank Goodness it’s Friday!!!

Thank goodness it’s the weekend.  This has been one long and rough week.  My hubby was out of town ALL week and will come back late tonight.  Now, normally, it really isn’t that big of deal.  I take Aiden to daycare in the morning, then pick him up after work, we eat, play, then go to bed.

On Monday, I was thinking of the things I’d get done while hubby was gone: upload some pictures, catch up on laundry, keep the house clean, clean the bedroom, catch up on my favorite TV shows – you know use the remote control (I NEVER get to do that).

Thinking…that was my mistake.

I forgot about the time change.   Bedtime was a NIGHTMARE.  Lights are typically out around 8 and hopefully, my little 2-year old is asleep by 8:30.  And sadly, our bedtime routine still isn’t great, but I can normally get out of his room around 8:30.  We’re not quite at the stage where I can kiss him good night and leave the room.  Sigh.  Hopefully soon.  However, EVERY night this week, he would get out of bed, cry, procrastinate, cry more, and finally fall asleep at 9:45.  Yikes.  I was FRIED every night. 

Then in the morning, our new issue is getting dressed.  He just doesn’t want to.  It’s like a wrestling match every morning.  When I get one pant leg on, he yanks it off.  Another NIGHTMARE.  Bribery is not working.  Distraction is not working.  One morning, I literally felt like I had been at the gym for a couple of hours.  I was sore.  I couldn’t wait to get to work.

Now, even if my hubby had been here, this still would have happened.  He just would have been around to help at night.  (He leaves early, so I’m on my own in the am).  Well, not so much at bedtime, since my little kiddo always wants me to put him to bed.  But I could have “escaped” a few times. 

And my poor dog got little attention from me.  We would sit on the couch for an hour, then I would be off to bed.  I think dog park is definitely calling his name this weekend.  I look forward to the days when I can run with him, and take him to our running club.  We’re still working on walks where he doesn’t go crazy.  There’s been definite progress, but training is always constant.  FYI, I haven’t tried to take Aiden and the dog for a walk at the same time by myself yet – as I mentioned in my post a few weeks ago, that was a goal.  I think I could do it though.  I’ve just been lazy.

I admire you single moms.  I don’t know how you do it.   There were a few occasions where I thought I was going to lose it.  I had to breathe, count to 50, walk away.  And honestly, I don’t know how stay-at-home moms do it either.   But we all have our strengths. 

You know, I only have 2 issues right now.  Not bad.  And the rest of the time, we had fun.  He is such a joy to be around.   Crazy how much I love that little guy.

So any suggestions?

Oh….what happened to me???

Since the birth of my son, I feel like I’ve “let myself go.”  So one of my goals for 2011 was to make a better effort in my appearance.    Really, it was to get back to looking and feeling fabulously.

One thing to note, my office has no dress code and there are only a few of us.  So there’s no dress to impress.  Plus, I probably only see a few other people during the course of the day.  Otherwise, I’m chained to my desk.  I’m lucky, but on the flip side, I make absolutely no efforts when I leave my house in the morning.  I stick to the classics (black, tan, brown — boring) for clothing but that’s what I like.  I love hats, so when I have no time in the morning to put some curls in the hair (that never cooperates anyway), I put a hat on.  But I admit, they’re cute hats.  And I only have 4.  I’m getting burned out on them.

So January was a bust.  The month started off badly with the death of my best friend’s sister.  I actually had forgotten about my yearly goals, so we started anew in February.   Ok, late February.  So my goals are to:

1. Put make-up on.  This means concealer, powder, mascara, and lipstick.  I’ll try to get some eyeshadow on there too.
2. Do my hair.  Ok, I’m really lazy and I hate doing my hair.  I like having a hairstyle that can just dry and go.  Too bad my hair doesn’t feel the same way.  It never cooperates for me. 
3. Spend some quality me time on myself — pedicures, baths, face masks, whatever.
4. Start acquiring new clothes, or lose the extra 15 pound and wear my “skinny” clothes!  (That are probably outdated now…)

So, it’s March now.  What have I accomplished?

I’ve had a pedicure AND I got my eyebrows waxed.  Let me just say, I feel so much better!  It’s amazing what pulling some little hairs does to your self-esteem.   I even took a nice, long bath this last Sunday with a glass a wine.  That was awesome.  I used to do that every Sunday (pre-husband and baby) and I think I really need to get back to that.  I started off the week great.

And for the last month, I’ve made a good effort in putting make-up on and doing my hair.  Now I just have to work on the wardrobe.  Where are those make-over shows anyway???

So what do you do for yourself?

Is it just me?

Do you ever look around at your family (extended family, like parents, siblings, cousins, etc.) and think, am I the only normal one?  I have decided that my family is just nuts.  I’m sure they think the same of me, but this is about me, and not them.  So there.

I come from your nomal Dysfunctional family (with a capital D), and I love them dearly, but they seriously get on my nerves.  My mom and I are pretty close, but we definitely have the normal mother/daughter dynamic going on.  My dad and I are getting closer.  The birth of my son has definitely brought him closer to me.  And my mom has helped with that relationship a lot (and they’re divorced).

I have two older brothers: one doesn’t talk to my mom, and the other probably shouldn’t.  He typically puts his foot in his mouth and says something wrong/hurtful — but then again, my mom probably does the same exact thing with him.

So why is it that family members just can’t get along?

Growing up, my mom was overbearing, critical, and demanding.  I’m sure there are more adjectives, but I just can’t think of any.  Bottom line though, I couldn’t wait to get away.  I moved away for school and never went back (even though I would love to, I’ve just made a home where I’m at now).  In these past few years, I’ve actually discovered that my mom is a person.  She’s gone through a lot of experiences and she’s made a lot of mistakes.  She might not fess up to all of them, but she admits that she makes them too. 

My brothers still see the woman who raised them.  And they still have gazillions of resentments and anger toward her.  Nothing I say or do will ever alter/adjust their opinion.  What I want to tell them is that our mom was 16 years old when she became a parent.  A time when it was unacceptable.  She had no parents of her own (losing them a few years earlier), so no one was there to help guide her or simply be there for her.  She did what she had to do to raise her kids.  she made mistakes.  But she’s still their mother.  She will still always love them, and always want whats best for them.  She will still want to know they’re ok.  Just because they don’t want her in their lives, doesn’t mean she can’t still have those motherly feelings. 

Perhaps I understand this now that I’m a parent.  I will make mistakes and I know that my son will resent me for things.  But I want to teach him that we should still try to get along.  You will have differences of opinions and resentments, but the bottom line is that we’re a family.  And we should accept each other — faults and all. 

I just wish my brothers could do that.

Super Nanny + Dog Whisperer

So one of my fears is that my family will have to have both the Super Nanny AND Dog Whisperer in our house at the same time. Really.   This is really what I think about.  But it gets worse… could they share the film crew? Do you think Cesar and Jo could work together?  

Why is this my fear, you ask? 

Well, sometimes I think I’m raising crazy children.  I have a 2-year old boy — and he is ALL boy — and an 8-month old puppy (half lab, half retriever).  My son loves to run and climb, and jump.  And the puppy, well, he’s a puppy.  He’s seems to really like sunglasses at the moment.  

I feel like neither one of them listens and they just run around crazy.  Chasing each other, climbing onto each other.  Sometimes, I just shake my head and sigh. 

I know that things will work out.  We just have to keep doing what we’re doing — set the rules, be consistent, don’t leave things around.   Don’t buy expensive sunglasses.  We just started a “reward” chart for our son — too bad that can’t work for the dog too.  Well, he gets rewards for his good behavior, but just no charts.

So sad that one of my goals is to be able to go on a walk with both the toddler and dog — at the same time!  I’m shooting for 2 weeks.  I’ll keep you posted.