I seriously think I’m losing my mind. This last year has been tough work wise. The last few months have been tough personally. Which all leads me to wonder if I’m experiencing a nervous breakdown, burn out, or mid life crisis? Perhaps all three.
Let me explain…(and this is the cliff notes version)
Work life– in the past year, I’ve had multiple projects wtih different VPs, all with different expectations and ways of doing things (this is after my boss of 14 years left). Some of my projects went well, others did not. All basically resulting in lower self confidence. I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings, so I just continued on.
Personal life– the health of my 95 year old uncle goes downhill. While we all know that reaching 95 signifies a fantastic life, his death in July – while a relief at first – hits me hard. I was closer to him than some of my other family. And his death devastates me. But, again, I try and compartmentalize.
A week after my uncles death, I have a mid-year review (not overly positive), and then I find out I’m pregnant. Great news, yes, but my “compartements” that I had created are now breaking down due to my hormonal upheaval. I’m happy, but yet I cry everyday (ok, monday thru friday). I lost my ability to cope with anything work related. I’m so stressed out and I’m afraid, at 41 years of age, that it will affect this precious gift I have growing in me. Especially after seeing multiple friends go through miscarriages. So this stresses me out too.
I know I need to do something. I need to take away my major stressor….work. I know deep down that I need to do this. So, I call my primary doctor and make an appointment. It’s 2 weeks out and I try to give myself pep talks and convince myself I can get through work. A week in, I am a complete mess. Hyperventilating, crying, cramping….so I call my OB. Everything checks out, which is great. My blood pressure is usually very low, so it being at 109 was not any concern. I ‘almost’ wish it could get higher just so there’s an obvious sign of me being stressed out. My doctor gives me a week off and tells me to go see a therapist.
My therapist happens to be a perinatal/post partum specialist (which, btw, is not often covered by insurance, so I now to get to fight with my insurance company). She’s great and we agree that I need more than one week off. My guilt for not working is high. Seriously, what’s wrong with me?
I see my regular doctor this same week. She knows me where the OB does not. I figure the OB assumes I’m just the hormonal, crazy woman who wants off work. My primary doctor, however, is like “yeah, you’re not supposed to be crying everday.” You’re off for another 2 more weeks. Try to relax.
So, this is where I’m at. I’m in week 3 of being off. I’ve relaxed and I’m not sure I’m ready to go back. I wish I could take a few months off, but alas, we need the paycheck. Plus, I need the job in order to take maternity leave in March. Can I handle a few months? Ugh, I’m not sure. I have to, but I have to be mentally prepared for it. I still have some work to do for that. I need to keep grieving for my uncle, embrace my pregnancy (it’s a girl, btw), and not let work get to me. I need to do what’s best for me — not for my work. Lose the guilt, create some boundaries.
My question for you, have you gone through this too? What have you done to cope?
I’m starting to think this is something that happens to many women, but we don’t talk of it. I want to talk about it. I think it will help others to know that this is normal.
Late Bloomer Mom 
Congratulations! I am so happy for you. A baby girl is great news sweetie! I am sending you a big hug, we all need them! Even smart, strong women who have never had to ask for help and so feel funny doing it…
The number one priority in your life right now (not forever just right now) needs to be your baby daughter. She deserves a happy mommy sending positive love vibes to her letting her know how much you love her and that you and her awesome big brother and daddy are looking forward to her arrival. Everything else needs to be dealt with by first asking yourself, “Is this honestly going to be a good choice for my baby?”.
If you have been experiencing a successful career and have felt lots of work satisfaction over the years, it is very disarming to suddenly feel less than competent. It is normal to lose confidence in yourself, as feelings of self-doubt start to creep in. Try not to delve too deeply into these negative feelings. Recognize them, take a deep breathe, say my baby is more important right now that this job, these people, this project, etc. I am good at what I do and I will get back to where I want to be soon enough. For now, I must remain calm and just do what must be done. Not one thing extra! Fight the urge to do it perfectly, to get it where you know you can. Just for now, that effort is not worth it. If you feel stress at work go to the rest room. Leave some magazines in there and read half a page or even a paragraph. If possible listen to headphones with calming music when you feel things are getting overwhelmed. Get up and walk outside if possible every 40 minutes, even if it is just to your car and back. Listen to the birds sing, look at the sky and be happy for what you have. After you have the baby you can get back in there and tear it up. But not now, now it the time to get through each day, one day at a time.
You will be annoyed and want to show everyone at work that you can do this job, you are great at it, etc. Remember, it is not worth it right now. Right now you are CHOOSING to slow down and do less for your daughter because she is more important.
Cancel every commitment that does not take stress away from your day. Think of easier, “good enough” ways to get done only what you must get done. The other stuff can wait. Push it out of your mind when it creeps in, for now it must wait. Your husband and son love you and know how great you are at everything you attempt. You have nothing to prove to them. Just relax, rest more, sit more, and just think about breathing calmly. If you must put a “BREATHE” reminder on your computers and cell phone! You will feel like apologizing, you may feel embarrassed because you can do better, you are always the go to person, etc. Let it go. No worries, you can be “super everything” later. Right now, you need to stay happy and calm. Buy cans of RC Cola and place one in car, one in kitchen, on desk at work. RC = REMAIN CALM!
Talk to your uncle, tell him often how much you miss him and how much you appreciate him. Talk to him about the baby, your son, your husband. Keep talking to a therapist, do not try too hard not to grieve his loss. Instead try to work on accepting this new way to communicate with him. He can be with you always now, he can look down and send you love and guidance. Every morning, noon, and night ask God or the universe to help you get through this day, keep my mind focused on breathing and making your growing baby feel loved and welcome.
Push out ANTS – Automatic Negative Thoughts. This period of your life does not define you. We all go through rough patches so be kind to yourself. You are strong, healthy, smart, wonderful, and have family and friends that love you. Reach out to your support network even if it feels uncomfortable at first. You will be through this rough time and be strong and wiser for it!